I Was You for 13 Years

 

I was you for 13 years of my life.  I lived with a narcissist without knowing it until it got to the point where I knew I had to do something, but couldn't.  We were living in Los Angeles, CA, where as most of you undoubtedly know, the cost of living is extremely high.  I had a good job at UCLA but was not making enough to live on my own out there due to the high rent.  "Bob" (not his real name) had a good job as a computer network engineer and he bought a house.  I was paying him rent of $400.00/month, believe it or not as his girlfriend (so I thought), plus bought all the groceries, and was his full-time maid and sex partner. 

 

I knew I needed to get out of that toxic relationship once I realized that I was nothing but a live-in maid and sex partner, paying to live there.  He had an affair while we lived together, of course, denying it.  He claimed that he never really loved me and that it was my idea to come along with him to SoCal, not his.  He thought it would be "fun" if I did, even though it was him that asked me to go along.  We both were living in Wisconsin at the time.  He was so "loving" and "charming" that I quit my job of 20+ years in Wisconsin and left my 13-year-old daughter with her father (who is a wonderful dad) and left for SoCal.  If I knew then what I know now, I would never do it again.

 

Bob was the true epitome of a narcissist.  Totally controlling in his own special way.  For example, we went out to eat every Friday night.  He would ask me where I would like to go.  I would say a place and one response would be, "I had that for lunch today."  So I would name another place.  "Oh, I'm not hungry for that.  Let's go here."  I would say OK and off we went.  This would happen all the time.  We always went where he wanted to go.  So one time again, he asked me where I would like to go for dinner.  I said, "I don't care."  He said, "What do you mean?  Where would you like to go?"  I said again, "I don't care.  We always go where you want to go anyway."  Of course, that did not make him happy and he got upset.  But that is very normal narcissistic behavior. 

 

I received a nice inheritance from my father when he passed away.  After taking care of most of my debt (car, credit cards, etc.) Bob decided that we would do some renovations around the house.  We had a swimming pool in our backyard.  That got completely redone.  We got new carpeting in the house, a new roof, the backyard and front yard completely re-landscaped, a driveway addition for our 5th wheel trailer, new windows in the house and new fencing around the backyard.  Guess who paid for ALL of this?  And was told that she would get reimbursed half?  You're right!  Me.  The only thing I got out of it was airline miles on my credit card. 

 

When I turned 55, I was finally able to start receiving my retirement pension from the State of Wisconsin where I worked for 20+ years.  That pension, along with my wages from UCLA, finally gave me enough money to be able to move out.  During the first time I tried to move out, Bob was diagnosed with cancer.  I had been out for a couple of months and stupidly moved back in to "help" him.  He was on narcotic pain pills, plus he started drinking again.  He used to drink when he was younger and stopped and hadn't drank for over 20 years.  Now he started up again.  And he was a mean drunk.  He was still working, but from home now.  I would come home from work and he was drunk and very demanding the minute I walked in the door.  He wanted his dinner made immediately and if it wasn't exactly what he wanted and made exactly the way he wanted, he would throw it in the garbage and storm out the door and go to a restaurant and eat.  Boy, I pitied any waitress that had to deal with him.  

 

The time I finally left for good, I thanked God that my son was visiting from Wisconsin.  Him and my granddaughter were there.  We had just gotten back from a day at Venice Beach.  We walked in the door and Bob was so drunk, he could barely stand up.  I made dinner.  He wanted pork chops.  I did not have pork chops so I made pork steaks.  Since I did not make exactly what he wanted, he threw everything, plate and all, in the garbage and stormed out.  This gave me my chance to leave.  I told my son to grab my truck, that we were going to pack it full of everything that was mine, clothes, etc. and we were out of there, for good.  It was on Monday of their vacation, they were the entire week.  But my son finally got to see first hand what was going on.  Before Bob got back we were gone and at a hotel for the night.  By Thursday, I had an apartment and I never looked back. But that Monday night Bob called me.  I didn't answer the phone but he left me numerous voicemails telling me that I made a big mistake and that I was going to pay for this, that my son was going to pay for this because he helped me.  He was angry.  I honestly didn't know what I would have done if my son wouldn't have been there.  I was too scared to leave on my own.  I tried one other time and Bob took a knife and threatened to kill himself.  I knew he wouldn't do it.  Another time, he blocked the door so I couldn't leave. 

 

Gals - or guys - If you have experienced any of this type of behavior from your boyfriend, girlfriend, partner or spouse, don't think twice about leaving.  Narcissistic behavior does not change.  The world revolves around them. 

 

If you have any questions at all for me, please feel free to contact me:   debkozel55@gmail.com